Review: One Direction, Hisense Arena, April 16

In what we’re informally dubbing ‘babysitter’s night off’ thousands of girls packed Hisense Arena to see the object of their affection, One Direction. Even before entering Hisense, 1D hysteria leaked out onto Olympic Boulevard with underage scalping, screaming and a ‘Parents Bay’ car park conveniently positioned far enough from the main entrance so teenage girls could cross the road solo, waiver their minor status and feign being a ‘legal’ debutante.

Inside was worse, as girls kissed goodbye their hard earned $7.02/hour Maccas wage at the merch stand, changed into their not-so-parent-friendly outfits and quickly penned ‘LOUIS, LET ME GIVE YOU AN ERECTION ♥’ onto DIY placards. Then at 7:30pm when the rest of Australia was emptying the dishwasher and watching The Voice, the show started.

First up was Australia’s Got Talent alumni and dance troupe Justice Crew, who had every girl squealing as they danced, back-flipped and break-danced, while slowly going full monty in between songs, stripping down from their vanity vest, shirt and bow tie ensemble to wife beater tank to…no top at all. No amount of reading the Dolly ‘Sealed Section’ could have psychologically prepared these girls for this much chiseled nudity. Though the “take my virginity” pledges came afterwards, so we guess Justice Group wasn’t that impressive to the teenage cohort.

In between support acts there was sporadic chanting, screaming and fainting. Actually, the screaming was not so sporadic, it was constant, comparable to going on the Giant Drop or Tower of Terror at Dreamworld but louder and more fearful. At moments the screaming would flux – the audience thinking they had seen a One Directioner on stage – false alarm guys, it’s only the balding Herald Sun photographer. Music played over the speakers and everyone was dancing, but when Tupac’s ‘California Love’ came on all the 16-year-old girls sat down to tweet “#whatisdisshit” – the smarter ones Shazam-ed it.

Next up was Johnny Ruffo, similarly to One Direction, a product of The X Factor (Australian edition). He had hoochie back up dancers and performed covers of Usher’s ‘OMG’ and ‘DJ Got Us Falling in Love Again’. His homies in the audience died a little on the inside when he proclaimed, “I wanna be someone’s boyfriend!” but they saved themselves for One Direction, remembering the strict advice their parents had given them outside: “Your virginity is a sacred thing, under no circumstances are you to give it up tonight, unless it’s for Zayn.” Sorry Johnny.

Finally it was One Direction’s turn. The countdown to their arrival was initiated by the first of a series short varsity-themed films that were dispersed throughout the show – this one was about Summer holidays, with cameos by the boys and beachy landscapes. The audience went insane, and 1D were still only in the 2D form.

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1,” the audience chanted and Zayn, Harry, Liam, Niall and Louis made their stage debut, high kicking into the perfect boy band lineup formation. Drool.

Opening with ‘Na Na Na’, the audience just got louder and louder, while MILFs, DILFs and reviewers quietly thought, “Is there an otolaryngologist in the house? I’m going deaf.” 1D then moved onto some of the covers that made them famous on The X Factor, performing Black Eyed Peas’ ‘I Gotta Feeling’, Gym Class Heroes ‘Stereo Hearts’ and Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’. It was when Louis took the reigns and started chatting to the audience, that the highest octave known to man emerged, screaming girls shouting “Marry me!” One Direction were like sophomores entering the virginal abyss that was the sorority.

Breaking out into their token ballad ‘Gotta Be You’, the boys also broke out classic boy band dance manoeuvres including: ‘hand on the heart’, ‘the quasi crotch grab’ and ‘the extended point then recoil fist’. Despite being originally manufactured for television, One Direction’s chemistry was legit, exuding a bromance vibe worthy of any Judd Apatow film.

The varsity theme of the show continued with short films shown during costume change intermissions – on screen there was collegiate bunting, porridge making and other tidbits that advocated their ‘we make great boyfriend material’ wholesome personas (excluding Zayn, he’s all about the – legal – ladies). One Direction committed to the boy band archetype, each adopting an alter ego defined by their wardrobe preference ( One Direcshion) including: The Polo, The Blazer, The Letterman Jacket, The Nautical Stripes and The Plaid Shirt (10 points if you guess who is who).

Crowd pleasers were ‘One Thing’, ‘What Makes You Beautiful’, ‘Up All Night’ and their encore song ‘I Want’ (or “me, me, me, me, me” as every girl quipped, answering the siren of ~*true love*~). Then of course was DJ Malik “in the house” and their Twitterview, when they answered their favourite tweets of the night by audience members. Attached to these tweets were the tweeter’s name and seat number, and 1D would then try to locate them in the audience. There was serious identity theft in this part of the night, with every girl claiming to be the chosen tweeter.

But shit got real when it started to snow in Hisense Arena. Then shit got even more real when 1D started throwing snowballs at the audience (aka 1D merch wrapped into snowballs). With everyone sick with One Direction Infection and waving their chastity glow sticks, the perfect night came to an end. And with that it’s safe to assume: so many girls are going to have tonsillitis today.

This article was originally published on Everguide here.

Melbourne’s Top Five Free Events: 15 – 17 March

Our freebies column presents a roundup of the top free events happening in Melbourne weekly, but isn’t it also our duty as trained journalists to present the news? In the never-ending quest to save you cash, we sometimes dismiss what’s happening in the world of current affairs and local news, because let’s face it, usually it’s something about the Monash Freeway or Michelle Obama’s bangs. We refuse to report on both of these things because being stuck in traffic is pretty much worse than waiting for your local GP except Ellen isn’t playing, and Michelle has fringe maintenance so down pat, when we look in the rearview mirror (while stuck in Monash Freeway induced traffic) we have the potential to emotionally breakdown. It’s a tough gig.

But today we’re going to put our HECS debt to service, by reporting this week’s *breaking* news:

Kim Kardashian had a Vampire Facial. No she wasn’t caught sucking face with Robert Pattinson, which would have been infinitely better than what actually went down. Basically since Kimmie is preggers she can’t get botox, as it’s bad for the baby on-board the K-train. So she opted for this new hyped cosmetic facial where blood is extracted from the patient’s arm, put into a blood centrifuge machine thingy, then injected back into the patient’s face using acupuncture style needles. Apparently it rejuvenates the skin. Um, whatever happened to OLAY?

The Antipodes Greek festival is happening this weekend on Londsdale Street.There is more to Australia’s Greek cuture besides Nick Giannopoulos’ IMBD memorable quotations profile with quotes from the era of the Wog Boy including ‘Curls get the GIRLS’. For starters there isStalactites; the 24-hour Greek restaurant on Lonsdale AKA heaven on earth when you’re drunk in the city at 2am, but not drunk enough to go to Hungry Jacks and order a Double Bacon Whopper. A gyros = class. The Antipodes Festival will have food stalls, music and pop-up events happening up and down Lonsdale Street.

The Kozyndan exhibition is currently on at Outre Gallery. ‘Kozyndan’ is the combined pseudonym of husband and wife team of artists Kozue and Dan Kitchens. They basically made cherry blossoms cool again and we’re pretty sure a third of the tattoo industry’s profits come from customer’s wanting the Kozyndan vibe. Outre Gallery on Elizabeth Street in the CBD will be selling fresh new original artworks and prints from the pair.

Hot cross buns went on sale, and so the Safeway vs Coles and Baker’s Delight vs Brumby’s bun war has began. Sorry, no link for further investigative reading, just visit your local shopping centre for an ‘on the field’ reportage experience. We like Baker’s Delight’s choc chip buns the best.

As part of LMFF, Public Offer is currently on display at the RMIT’s Design Hub AKA the envy of every student not enrolled at RMIT. Other universities take note, this building/hub is so good it hurts, literally, the shallow spaced out stairs to get there will really give your calves a workout. Public Offerhas zines, journals, blogs, apps, informal exchange circles, radio shows and podcasts made by locals on display for you to look at, and asks us to look at “how publishing has shaped conversations about the city and its design culture.” It’s basically like that old defunct section of Borders where everyone read magazines for free, except the selection is better here and no large corporations are going broke by us casually browsing.

The Brunswick Music Festival officially started yesterday and continues of this weekend. Lots of free gigs and fun to be had in various locations in the 3056 zip code. Head to their website for a full line-up on what’s on offer this weekend.

It’s St Patrick’s Day this Sunday or the day where God gives you permission to get wasted. We’re going to PJ O’Brien’s St Patrick’s Day Party on Southbank, who are commencing celebrations from 9am, keeping up the rumours that the Irish have an iron gut. PJ’s is promising ‘litres’ of Guinness, traditional Irish dancing and fare, pipers, and depending how inebriated you become, leprechauns.

Oh, and we got a new Pope. Pope Francis is his name, which means the eggs benedict puns linked to our former Pope can stop. AMEN.

This article was originally published on Everguide here.

Melbourne’s Top Five Free Events: 8 – 11 March

You know when a family member outstays their visit? You’ve finished eating dinner, you’ve finished eating dessert, heck the dishwasher has even finished its cycle, and they’re still there, sitting at your dining table in ignorant bliss. That’s basically how we feel about this heatwave. It’s annoying us, we want it to go away, but there is this infallible bond that binds us that extends beyond the sandal shaped tan line on our feet that won’t fade from Summer. Even typing this we are sweating up a storm, and had to resort to eating a Zooper Dooper for breakfast (they actually taste so much better before 9am), which is why this weekend we are left with no choice but to suck up the elements at the following events:

Walking along Swanston Street you might have noticed a new-ish building pop up a little further down from Melbourne Central that looks like it’s straight out of the Fifth Element. In actuality it is the new RMIT Design Hub, or as local students are calling it: the pride of every RMIT student, and the downfall of every non-RMIT student. Basically, it is super fancy, and we’re not saying we’re jealous, but we are saying we do casually glare directly at those walking into the building as we pass by. This Friday morning from 11:30 am, the folks at Three Thousand are curating Your Magic is Real here. Your Magic is Real is a one-day publishing conference taking place as part of Public Offer, and will feature four panel discussions with guest speakers from The Design FilesSmith JournalViceFilmme Fatales and more, who will be spilling the beans about self-publishing, editing, interviewing and making internet. 

There are two types of people: Mexi-cans and and Mexi-can’ts. We’re of the first persuasion, saying yes to whatever get’s thrown at us – not literally as we have really bad hand/eye coordination, but physcologically, yes. This is why when invited to Touche Hombre’s Rooftop Mexican Party we decided to ditch the Olde Paso kit and say, “we’ll come to yo’ party.”. This Friday night on the rooftop of Golden Square carpark from 7pm, Touche Hombre and Richard Ampudia will host a Mexican fiesta where there’ll be traditional street food, live music, magicians, dancers and mexican horror films. BYO stick-on Frida monobrow.

House Party on Wheels. Yes this is a real event name, and is happening over the course of 12 hours from 12 noon to midnight this Saturday at the Brunswick Hotel. It is poised to be the ‘it’ party on the eve of the eve of Labor Day, where 30 bands will be playing back to back. House Party on Wheels, we guess will be at a stationary location that isn’t on wheels, but with schooners priced at $4 you’ll probably feel as if your on a rollerskating rink by 3pm.

If there is one thing we love more than life it is a good chutney. Nothing beats it. Eat it sweet, eat it savoury, eat it with cheese, eat it (privately) in your kitchen straight out of that reused Vegemite jar. So obviously we’re going to hit up this Saturday’s Chutney Club Preserves Challenge at Abbotsford Convent from 1:30 pm. Unfortunately our skills exclusively lay with eating chutney, not making it, so we won’t be entering, but will be giving doing free taste trials prior to the event for all participants.*

Moomba needs little explanation, except for when the Moomba King and Queen is revealed and everyone is like ‘O RLY?!’ But for the most part Moomba is the bomb, you can watch people willingly jump off a pier and into the Yarra on the pretence they can fly in the Birdman Rally, and you get a free day off work. The festival is happening over the whole weekend with key events scheduled for Sunday and the Moomba parade kicking off on St Kilda Road from 11am Monday. Hopefully this year our dream of meeting Bert Newton eating a cob of corn in the Moomba crowd will be realised. Don’t let us down, Moomba.

*Not sure if this is legal, but we’ll be waiting on the sidelines with our tasting teaspoon in hand.

This article was originally published on Everguide here.