In what we’re informally dubbing ‘babysitter’s night off’ thousands of girls packed Hisense Arena to see the object of their affection, One Direction. Even before entering Hisense, 1D hysteria leaked out onto Olympic Boulevard with underage scalping, screaming and a ‘Parents Bay’ car park conveniently positioned far enough from the main entrance so teenage girls could cross the road solo, waiver their minor status and feign being a ‘legal’ debutante.
Inside was worse, as girls kissed goodbye their hard earned $7.02/hour Maccas wage at the merch stand, changed into their not-so-parent-friendly outfits and quickly penned ‘LOUIS, LET ME GIVE YOU AN ERECTION ♥’ onto DIY placards. Then at 7:30pm when the rest of Australia was emptying the dishwasher and watching The Voice, the show started.
First up was Australia’s Got Talent alumni and dance troupe Justice Crew, who had every girl squealing as they danced, back-flipped and break-danced, while slowly going full monty in between songs, stripping down from their vanity vest, shirt and bow tie ensemble to wife beater tank to…no top at all. No amount of reading the Dolly ‘Sealed Section’ could have psychologically prepared these girls for this much chiseled nudity. Though the “take my virginity” pledges came afterwards, so we guess Justice Group wasn’t that impressive to the teenage cohort.
In between support acts there was sporadic chanting, screaming and fainting. Actually, the screaming was not so sporadic, it was constant, comparable to going on the Giant Drop or Tower of Terror at Dreamworld but louder and more fearful. At moments the screaming would flux – the audience thinking they had seen a One Directioner on stage – false alarm guys, it’s only the balding Herald Sun photographer. Music played over the speakers and everyone was dancing, but when Tupac’s ‘California Love’ came on all the 16-year-old girls sat down to tweet “#whatisdisshit” – the smarter ones Shazam-ed it.
Next up was Johnny Ruffo, similarly to One Direction, a product of The X Factor (Australian edition). He had hoochie back up dancers and performed covers of Usher’s ‘OMG’ and ‘DJ Got Us Falling in Love Again’. His homies in the audience died a little on the inside when he proclaimed, “I wanna be someone’s boyfriend!” but they saved themselves for One Direction, remembering the strict advice their parents had given them outside: “Your virginity is a sacred thing, under no circumstances are you to give it up tonight, unless it’s for Zayn.” Sorry Johnny.
Finally it was One Direction’s turn. The countdown to their arrival was initiated by the first of a series short varsity-themed films that were dispersed throughout the show – this one was about Summer holidays, with cameos by the boys and beachy landscapes. The audience went insane, and 1D were still only in the 2D form.
“5, 4, 3, 2, 1,” the audience chanted and Zayn, Harry, Liam, Niall and Louis made their stage debut, high kicking into the perfect boy band lineup formation. Drool.
Opening with ‘Na Na Na’, the audience just got louder and louder, while MILFs, DILFs and reviewers quietly thought, “Is there an otolaryngologist in the house? I’m going deaf.” 1D then moved onto some of the covers that made them famous on The X Factor, performing Black Eyed Peas’ ‘I Gotta Feeling’, Gym Class Heroes ‘Stereo Hearts’ and Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’. It was when Louis took the reigns and started chatting to the audience, that the highest octave known to man emerged, screaming girls shouting “Marry me!” One Direction were like sophomores entering the virginal abyss that was the sorority.
Breaking out into their token ballad ‘Gotta Be You’, the boys also broke out classic boy band dance manoeuvres including: ‘hand on the heart’, ‘the quasi crotch grab’ and ‘the extended point then recoil fist’. Despite being originally manufactured for television, One Direction’s chemistry was legit, exuding a bromance vibe worthy of any Judd Apatow film.
The varsity theme of the show continued with short films shown during costume change intermissions – on screen there was collegiate bunting, porridge making and other tidbits that advocated their ‘we make great boyfriend material’ wholesome personas (excluding Zayn, he’s all about the – legal – ladies). One Direction committed to the boy band archetype, each adopting an alter ego defined by their wardrobe preference ( One Direcshion) including: The Polo, The Blazer, The Letterman Jacket, The Nautical Stripes and The Plaid Shirt (10 points if you guess who is who).
Crowd pleasers were ‘One Thing’, ‘What Makes You Beautiful’, ‘Up All Night’ and their encore song ‘I Want’ (or “me, me, me, me, me” as every girl quipped, answering the siren of ~*true love*~). Then of course was DJ Malik “in the house” and their Twitterview, when they answered their favourite tweets of the night by audience members. Attached to these tweets were the tweeter’s name and seat number, and 1D would then try to locate them in the audience. There was serious identity theft in this part of the night, with every girl claiming to be the chosen tweeter.
But shit got real when it started to snow in Hisense Arena. Then shit got even more real when 1D started throwing snowballs at the audience (aka 1D merch wrapped into snowballs). With everyone sick with One Direction Infection and waving their chastity glow sticks, the perfect night came to an end. And with that it’s safe to assume: so many girls are going to have tonsillitis today.
This article was originally published on Everguide here.